My Testimony

There are times when I've thought my testimony was a funny thing.  Partly because, in terms of, "When did you give your life to Jesus," and when I "crossed from death to life", I don't really know.  I remember when I was about 4, sitting on the little pink rug in my bedroom and talking to Jesus.  My family didn't go to church before I was 12, so I don't even know how I knew His name.  When I was about 8, my parents gave me a "children's Bible", which was really just a collection of Bible stories summarized into about 2 sentences a piece.  I read that thing over and over and over again.  After that I was a bit jealous of the kids who got to go to church -- I wanted to go to church too!  Then about a month before my 12th birthday, my mom started taking us to church.  My first Sunday school lesson was on the 10 Commandments, which I'd never heard before.  I had recently started using bad language and stealing by switching price tags on items (something you couldn't even do now), but I stopped immediately after hearing the 10 Commandments -- I didn't realize that God had standards!  A few months after that someone explained how Jesus died to pay the penalty for my sin, and if I accepted His payment, died to myself, and aligned my life with His, making Him Lord, He would wipe away all my rebellion against Him, mistakes, broken places, and make me a new creation and give me life.  I was in.  It was so easy.  I always thought of it as easy as falling off a log.

When I was about 14, as teenagers do, I started getting into boy bands and felt insecure and uncertain and far from God.  I felt like I was dying inside.  But everyone at my church thought I was fine -- I was a "good Christian".  I went to church and youth group every week.  I knew all the answers to all the Bible questions.  I was in the choir.  What could have been wrong?  But I knew better.  I started going to another church where the people were under no illusion about my apparent perfection and goodness.  But wow, they loved me.

My areas of failing have been "benign".  I was part of a group of people who started talking about what "dirt bags" they were before Jesus.  No one took me seriously as someone who needed salvation, as someone who deserved the death that Jesus died in my place.  I didn't drink or smoke or have sex or do any of those "naughty" things that teenagers and young people do, and older people.  To them, it almost seemed like my testimony was a joke.  The good little girl who always did everything right.  What did I know about needing salvation?  In a crowd, I'm not the person anyone would call on to share their testimony.  We want to hear the power testimony, of the person saved from drugs and alcohol or sex or gangs.  The REAL transformed life.  Not the "good" person who predictably gave her life to Jesus like the good girl she is.  Who doesn't even know WHEN she sealed the deal.

Yet I find myself never being more thankful for such a testimony.  But let me share the rest.

When I was about 19, I started going to a class in church called "Normal Christian Life".  Sadly, as I've been around Christian circles for 20 years since then, I've found that what we talked about is not normal in current Christian life at all, but that's another story.  One of the leaders, Linda, also started meeting with me weekly.  You might say "discipling" me.  In a way it was cool that she was meeting with me.  But she also terrified me, and there were days I dreaded going to meet her.  Honestly, it was a horrible few months.  One day, I strongly considered skipping our appointment. (I told about this recently -- she said she just would have called me and tracked me down.)  Not because she was mean or rude or judgmental or unloving.  But because she had a way of putting her finger on things I wanted to hide -- things I even hid from myself.  The deep, dark places that I wouldn't admit existed to myself or to God.  Unfortunately, the things most Christians don't think are such a big deal.

All she did was ask me questions, based on what I knew of the Bible and the (very encouraging and helpful) teachings we were going through.  And this is what I learned about myself: I was prideful (which includes insecurity) and selfish, thinking everything was all about me all the time.  I decided others motivations (something only God knows).  I was self-deceived and full of lies that I told myself and God.  I thought I knew better than God, and that He didn't know what He was talking about -- He was wrong, I was right.  When it came to my life and my world, I was on the throne, not Him.  I decided the circumstances in which I would yield authority to Him.  And I was horrifically unforgiving.  I remember when I was younger actually thinking how forgiving I was -- how arrogant!  I really just stuffed it and denied it let the poison of bitterness and resentment build.  Through this process, I repented (changed my mind and my ways), and I forgave.  And I completely understood what Paul meant when he said that he was the worst of all sinners.  That's how I felt.  There could be no one who could out-do me in the area of sin and failure.  It didn't "look" bad, I knew that those looks were deceiving.  I knew that the fact that I hadn't slept around or gotten into alcohol or drugs or anything else was just dumb luck and had nothing to do with any virtue within me.  I was capable of it all.

I find that many people, including Christians, run from this.  I get it: none of us likes facing the reality of our failure.  And especially in this culture, the idea just doesn't fit.  It's not "good for our self esteem".  But this realization didn't make me feel the way people would imagine.  It was more the opposite.  Because God. Still. Loved. Me.  I was the most horrible person to ever walk the earth (God knew the truth even if people couldn't see it), but Jesus still died for me.  He still wanted me.  I had heard about God's love before, even known a measure of it and experienced His love.  But this, THIS was different.  This was deeper, more powerful.  That stark contrast of the darkness in me and the fact that I completely and totally deserved death as an enemy of God, but He loved me and died for me and made me a new creation.  Although I still can't tell you that day, I do remember the moment of realization: everything was different.  It felt like coming out of a dark cave and seeing the sun and the ocean and sky and colors for the first time.  And it was worth those incredible difficult months to get there, and I'd do it again.

I love the love of God.  And I also love His holiness and His purity and His justice.  (And so many other qualities!)  Sometimes, I think it's easy to be afraid of these aspects of Him -- they are rather scary for us who live in a world that wars against Him.  But these characteristics are just as much a part of His character as His love is.  The angels around His throne never stop saying, "Holy, holy, holy."  Yet we don't even want to think of His holiness or the implications of His holiness.  And because we don't know these aspects of Him -- holiness, purity, righteousness, justice -- we think that we can't be that bad.  But the truth is the truth, whether or not we know it.  It's not that God is mean and judgmental and out to get us.  It's that He has certain qualities that tend to incinerate things that are dead.  Like a heat source or hot fire can set a dead twig on fire without even touching it, but one that's alive won't catch fire and burn.  God told Adam and Eve that if they ate of the tree, they would die.  And even though their bodies carried on for awhile after that, there was a part of them that died, and they passed that death on.  If we're not connected to Life, to Jesus (the Vine from John 15), and then come before Him at death, we're still a dead, dry branch that can't survive the heat.  It's just the nature of God and the nature of a person who has not been made one with Christ.

When we think of being corrected, we think of it in terms of how people correct us.  His correction is different.  It is steadfast and resolute, but so incredibly kind and gentle and freeing.  Last year, someone corrected me over some perceived failings.  The person speaks with a lot of authority, and says that it's from the Lord.  I've had many conversations with the Lord about it -- Lord, had I missed what You were saying to me?  Is there a blind spot that You wanted to point out to me?  His response was a question, "Have I ever corrected you in a way that made you feel rejected and didn't leave you feeling hopeful and free?"  No.  Absolutely no.  He never has.  His correction is wonderful. 

All of these things about Him and combined perfectly in Him fascinate me.  And they seem to amplify each other.  His holiness and justice don't diminish His love.  It amplifies it.   As does His love amplify His holiness and justice.  He is unceasingly fascinating.

We need to view ourselves against the backdrop of His character -- all aspects of His character as we grow in knowledge of Him.  Sometimes we have to take a leap of faith, in believing He's good even when we see something that we perceive as not good.  We can always ask Him for help and understanding, but there are moments when we need to just trust Him.

He is so many things to us.  I suppose that's why His name is I AM.  He is Creator.  He is Savior.  He is Lord.  He is King.  He is Ruler.  He is Judge.  He is Father.  He is Almighty God.  He is Counselor.  He is Prince of Peace.  He is Bridegroom.  I adore Him.  I want to know Him in all of these ways.