There are a lot of things that have been on my mind and heart over the last couple of years that I've wanted to get out in writing but haven't done so. Now, after a couple years with a lifetime's worth of experiences, where do you even start? I suppose the specific starting point doesn't matter, just that you start. So here we go.
On August 20, 2015, two of the most influential people in my life, Ty and Terri Schenzel, were killed in a car accident. It still seems unreal. Even though I hadn't seen them much, I had been reconnecting with them over the prior couple of years. They played a pivotal role in my life when I was a teenager. They loved and supported and prayed for me and my family. About 4-5 years ago, I was listening to some of Pastor Ty's messages and realized that so much of my thought processes, outlook, perspective, beliefs I learned from Pastor Ty. Terri's statement, "If you want to marry a prince, you need to be a princess," has long stuck with me, so that I've spent more time learning to be a princess rather than seeking a prince. I even clean the bathroom floor the way she taught me (we had carpet, she had tile. Why did we have carpet in the bathroom??!)
God used them (along with a few others) to lay a firm and solid foundation in my life as a lover and follower of Jesus. Ty would often comment on how God has no grand children, and we couldn't ride on the coat tails of our pastors and leaders or people we looked up to in the Body of Christ. It was part of what spurred me to apply to Hope College in Michigan and leave the safety and security of my church, my youth group, this amazing group of people I was a part of. It was the question of: Is my faith my own when I don't have Ty and Terri and Jon and Linda and Jeff all these other people around me? Can I stand on my own two feet, or am I just riding their wave? Funny, when the plan was set in motion to leave Omaha and move to Holland, Michigan, the only people who weren't completely for it were my parents, and Ty and Terri -- my parents at church. Terri cried when I left. And I've missed them (and others) ever since, really. Missed their influence, their wisdom, their insights, their encouragement, their hope, their joy, their "realness", and just their presence.
And now there are no more opportunities. Of course we'll all get to see them again, but we're all deprived of them now. When those of us who knew them all found out, we all used the same word: Devastated. The calls were made and people were informed with words of, "You need to sit down. I need to tell you something terrible. And it's not made up. It's reality." There was denial. There was a lot of crying. I fell into the crying category -- sobbing in a public place for 15 minutes because my heart was too broken to care. 3200 people went to their memorial service while 13,000 watched live online. Nearly everyone there stood in saying, "God used them to change my life." It was a very large group of heart-broken, devastated people. I still think of and pray for their kids and friends.
This heart-wrenching event somehow led to one of the greatest privileges I've experienced in my life. I found out at 5pm on Friday, and at 7pm was Deep River, a monthly time of worship (and teaching) that happens in Cape Town. And I couldn't wait to get there and just worship God. All I wanted to do was take my broken heart and my tears and say, "You are good, You are good, You are good. I don't blame You. You are the same Person today that You were yesterday, and nothing is going to change my mind on this. In the midst this horrible loss, I gladly bring to You my broken heart and say You are still good, You are still worthy, I still love You, and I still worship You." And in the middle of probably the deepest sorrow I've ever experienced, I also experienced this unexpected joy of being grounded in Him through it all.
I'm so thankful for His grace in my life to somehow work that response in me. It was such a privilege to honor Him in that way, in the middle of my personal grief. I had this awareness that these are the moments when we often turn and accuse Him of wrong doing. The world certainly does it: "Why would a loving God do or allow this or that? How could He? Why would He? How could He be good? He couldn't be! We want nothing to do with Him!" But in that moment, with the spiritual world watching, I got to say, "He is still God, He is still good, I still love Him, and I still worship Him."
The enemy will do anything he can in any way he can to throw us off and get us to doubt God's goodness, kindness, and love toward us. That's what he was trying to do with Job -- get Job to move from, "God is good," to, "curse [Him] to [His] face". In the difficult situations around us, he'll accuse God of not loving us or caring for us or listening to us. If that doesn't work, he'll try to increase strife in relationships. If that doesn't work, he'll just condemn us directly on our faults or failings, real or perceived (or a mixture of both), and insist that God is disappointed or displeased with us. If taking away the "perks" of the relationship doesn't work, he goes after the relationship itself, so that maybe because of that accusation, we'll pull back from this Wonderful One who died so He could draw us near to Himself. Then instead we say, "You may be good, but I'm a disappointment to You," and we distance ourselves from Him.
But then we just get to dig in deeper to this privilege, "Though I am weak and have failed, You are still faithful, You are still good, You are still worthy, and I will still come to You with love and worship. If you died for me when I was a far from You, surely You won't leave my side when I'm seeking You, no matter how I feel or any mistakes I've made."
And then, yet again, all the spiritual world, and all those around us, can see that we love and value our God and Savior, King Jesus, above it all. Even though life is difficult and painful at times, even though we struggle and don't always see Him clearly, we still stand and say, "Our God is still good. He is still faithful. He has never changed and He never will. He's still worthy, we still love Him, and we still worship Him."
