Getting into the Gulf of Grief

I don't want to dwell on sadness, but I do want to be real, and real in a way that helps and encourages people, that says, "Hey, you're normal, and it's not your responsibility to have it all together."  Jesus has it all together.  And if He has us, then everything is okay. And really, it's something I've always admired and appreciated about Ty and Terri -- they were so real.  I was never under any illusions, thinking them to be perfect, because they (appropriately) shared their struggles.  It made us all feel safe around them.  Feel like we were normal.  And feel like it was okay and not a big deal to struggle -- it's just something that happens in life.  No worries.  God's still God, and He's still good.  We just need to go to Him, and He takes care of everything.

I feel like I'm just getting into the grieving and mourning process (I honestly don't even like the sound of that).  Ken, Ty, Terri.  The past few months have been too busy, I wasn't sure if I could "go there", and I didn't know that grief could make you so physically tired.  So I slept in my free moments. (See previous post.)

The reality of death is hard to grasp.  Everything about it just feels not right.  I don't know how I've completely missed it all before -- because I was far away, or everything else in life just kept moving and I kept moving with it?  I don't know.  Maybe I'd just so protected (aka: hardened) my heart in other areas that the deaths of grandparents wasn't able to penetrate the walls of self-protection.  But those defenses came down a couple years ago, and while I want to be wise, I want the Lord to be the One who protects my heart.

Several years ago another close friend of mine died -- Ruben.  I was only 27 and was so completely clueless as to how to deal with it.  It was sudden.  He'd been sick, yeah.  But he was just going in for some tests.  That day, the last day I saw him conscious, he gave me a ride to work because I didn't have a car at the time.  He went in for the tests, for some reason things went south.  We prayed and prayed and prayed, but he died about a week later. 

And what I felt was something I hadn't experienced before.  I wanted to fall on the floor and weep.  I'd only known him for 16 months, from the time I'd moved to Texas.  How could I feel such intensity when I'd barely known him for over a year?  But he and his family had invited me over for lunch after church.  Regularly.  I didn't always go.  In fact, it seems like I often didn't go -- I have no idea why!  But deep down I knew I was welcome.  Really, the invitation from him to come over for Sunday lunch was more similar to a declaration of expectation of my presence.  For various reasons, my transition to Texas was challenging.  But every Sunday at church he gave me a hug.  If I needed help with anything (which I didn't often communicate because I was used to doing things on my own), he would be there to help.  He was like my big, Mexican papa.  I didn't realize that until that last day when he gave me a ride to work...

There was a church counselor I tried to talk to about how I was feeling.  How could I be experiencing so much grief?  I mean, it wasn't actually my dad who died, and I hadn't even known him that long!  It was his wife and kids who actually had the worst of it.  And I felt guilty for feeling the way that I did.  I told the counselor... who simply encouraged me to support his wife.  That was something I wanted to be able to do, but I simply didn't know how to when I didn't know what to do about my grief, and felt guilty for it. 

So I never let myself cry.  I literally bit my lip and held my breath through the funeral to keep myself from crying.  I should have cried -- I needed to.  And 3 years later, I finally did.

When I found out about Ty and Terri, that time I let myself do exactly what I felt like doing: fall on the floor and weep.  In the middle of Snoekie's restaurant in Haut Bay (Cape Town).  I just didn't care what other people thought.  At least that much I'd learned.  And that grief is a love song.  And I love Ty and Terri.  It still baffles me how much I miss people that I hardly ever saw anyway.  But I don't even get to see Facebook posts from them any more, or see them during visits home.  There are only pictures posted during some other time, like echos of what was, but can't be touched right now.  It's just all wrong.

Ty's birthday is January 12th.  Which is in about 30 minutes (Brazilian time) from the time of my typing this.  Spent some time praying for his family today.  I know he's going to have a great birthday.  I just wish all of us here could celebrate with him.  And tease him.  He'd expect a few well-placed jokes about his balding, at the very least.  (Which at this point, has probably been corrected...!  How he'd enjoy turning that one around on us!) 

"The Lord Gives Sleep to His Beloved"

This phrase started going through my head several weeks ago, if not a couple months ago: "The Lord gives sleep to His beloved."  And I felt like the Lord was saying it to me.  I thought it was probably a verse, but I didn't know for sure, and I definitely didn't know where it was, although it sounds Psalm-like.  And it is.  Psalms 127:2b  Some versions of that verse say "rest" instead of "sleep", but the Hebrew word actually means sleep.  (Sometimes I look these things up.)

Since about September, I've daily felt like I need an afternoon nap.  This is a strange phenomenon for me, because I don't actually like naps.  I feel like they're boring and a waste of time.  I mean, there's a world to see!  People to see!  Things to do!  Books to read!  Conversations to be a part of!  Anything but....sleep.  I've sometimes wished I were one of those people who could live on 5 hours of sleep a night, but I'm not (even though I've had my moments... those seasons don't last though!).  But for the last several months I've been more of the attitude, "Whatever, I'm taking a nap.  See you later."  Every.  Day.

I started noticing that if I didn't get to the nap soon enough, I would struggle to stay awake in the middle of conversations with people, usually by 2pm.  Sooner if I got up earlier than "normal" or had been around more people than usual.  And if I didn't get a nap, I basically went through the adult version of what happens to a two-year-old if they don't get a nap.  "Come on Dina... you can smile at people, listen, and engage in conversation.  You don't need to throw things at people."  Okay, I never, normally, wanted to actually throw things at people.  I did struggle to not check out, however, and be adequately social and stuff (technical term).  I just literally could not make it past 2pm without a nap, or without adverse effects due to a lack of a nap.  What. On. Earth.

Even in Brazil, with no schedule, sleeping in, taking everything easy.... and every day, afternoon nap.  After nearly 2 weeks of this, I started getting concerned.  Am I just being lazy??!  Surely one cannot actually NEED this much sleep.  I started wondering if I should start forcing myself to stay awake all day.  After all, I'm not actually a two-year-old!  But then almost a week ago, something surprising happened.  I made it all the way through the day without needing to sleep, and without falling asleep.  And then another day.  And another.  I'm not lazy after all!  I just actually, really, seriously needed sleep in a way I didn't know one could need sleep.

"The Lord gives sleep to His beloved."  One of the things I'd been wanting to do in all these sleepy afternoons for the last several months was just spend some extra time with Jesus.  It usually amounted to nothing more than a few minutes of sleepy chatter and me passing out.  But honestly, I always felt like He was saying something like, "Don't worry about whatever you think you need to do to spend time with Me.  You need sleep.  You can just sleep, and I'll just be here with you."  And as I let myself take a nap instead of doing the million things I could have done -- things others may have wanted me to do, things I wanted to do or thought I should do, even things I wanted to do for Him -- I encountered the grace and kindness of God (God!), who would understand my weakness (that I haven't even understood), and say: It's okay if you're tired and can't do the things that you want to do.  You don't have to.  It's okay for you to just sleep.  Don't worry about everything else -- I have it under control.  You just sleep.

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul.
~Psalms 23:1-3a