Getting into the Gulf of Grief

I don't want to dwell on sadness, but I do want to be real, and real in a way that helps and encourages people, that says, "Hey, you're normal, and it's not your responsibility to have it all together."  Jesus has it all together.  And if He has us, then everything is okay. And really, it's something I've always admired and appreciated about Ty and Terri -- they were so real.  I was never under any illusions, thinking them to be perfect, because they (appropriately) shared their struggles.  It made us all feel safe around them.  Feel like we were normal.  And feel like it was okay and not a big deal to struggle -- it's just something that happens in life.  No worries.  God's still God, and He's still good.  We just need to go to Him, and He takes care of everything.

I feel like I'm just getting into the grieving and mourning process (I honestly don't even like the sound of that).  Ken, Ty, Terri.  The past few months have been too busy, I wasn't sure if I could "go there", and I didn't know that grief could make you so physically tired.  So I slept in my free moments. (See previous post.)

The reality of death is hard to grasp.  Everything about it just feels not right.  I don't know how I've completely missed it all before -- because I was far away, or everything else in life just kept moving and I kept moving with it?  I don't know.  Maybe I'd just so protected (aka: hardened) my heart in other areas that the deaths of grandparents wasn't able to penetrate the walls of self-protection.  But those defenses came down a couple years ago, and while I want to be wise, I want the Lord to be the One who protects my heart.

Several years ago another close friend of mine died -- Ruben.  I was only 27 and was so completely clueless as to how to deal with it.  It was sudden.  He'd been sick, yeah.  But he was just going in for some tests.  That day, the last day I saw him conscious, he gave me a ride to work because I didn't have a car at the time.  He went in for the tests, for some reason things went south.  We prayed and prayed and prayed, but he died about a week later. 

And what I felt was something I hadn't experienced before.  I wanted to fall on the floor and weep.  I'd only known him for 16 months, from the time I'd moved to Texas.  How could I feel such intensity when I'd barely known him for over a year?  But he and his family had invited me over for lunch after church.  Regularly.  I didn't always go.  In fact, it seems like I often didn't go -- I have no idea why!  But deep down I knew I was welcome.  Really, the invitation from him to come over for Sunday lunch was more similar to a declaration of expectation of my presence.  For various reasons, my transition to Texas was challenging.  But every Sunday at church he gave me a hug.  If I needed help with anything (which I didn't often communicate because I was used to doing things on my own), he would be there to help.  He was like my big, Mexican papa.  I didn't realize that until that last day when he gave me a ride to work...

There was a church counselor I tried to talk to about how I was feeling.  How could I be experiencing so much grief?  I mean, it wasn't actually my dad who died, and I hadn't even known him that long!  It was his wife and kids who actually had the worst of it.  And I felt guilty for feeling the way that I did.  I told the counselor... who simply encouraged me to support his wife.  That was something I wanted to be able to do, but I simply didn't know how to when I didn't know what to do about my grief, and felt guilty for it. 

So I never let myself cry.  I literally bit my lip and held my breath through the funeral to keep myself from crying.  I should have cried -- I needed to.  And 3 years later, I finally did.

When I found out about Ty and Terri, that time I let myself do exactly what I felt like doing: fall on the floor and weep.  In the middle of Snoekie's restaurant in Haut Bay (Cape Town).  I just didn't care what other people thought.  At least that much I'd learned.  And that grief is a love song.  And I love Ty and Terri.  It still baffles me how much I miss people that I hardly ever saw anyway.  But I don't even get to see Facebook posts from them any more, or see them during visits home.  There are only pictures posted during some other time, like echos of what was, but can't be touched right now.  It's just all wrong.

Ty's birthday is January 12th.  Which is in about 30 minutes (Brazilian time) from the time of my typing this.  Spent some time praying for his family today.  I know he's going to have a great birthday.  I just wish all of us here could celebrate with him.  And tease him.  He'd expect a few well-placed jokes about his balding, at the very least.  (Which at this point, has probably been corrected...!  How he'd enjoy turning that one around on us!) 

"The Lord Gives Sleep to His Beloved"

This phrase started going through my head several weeks ago, if not a couple months ago: "The Lord gives sleep to His beloved."  And I felt like the Lord was saying it to me.  I thought it was probably a verse, but I didn't know for sure, and I definitely didn't know where it was, although it sounds Psalm-like.  And it is.  Psalms 127:2b  Some versions of that verse say "rest" instead of "sleep", but the Hebrew word actually means sleep.  (Sometimes I look these things up.)

Since about September, I've daily felt like I need an afternoon nap.  This is a strange phenomenon for me, because I don't actually like naps.  I feel like they're boring and a waste of time.  I mean, there's a world to see!  People to see!  Things to do!  Books to read!  Conversations to be a part of!  Anything but....sleep.  I've sometimes wished I were one of those people who could live on 5 hours of sleep a night, but I'm not (even though I've had my moments... those seasons don't last though!).  But for the last several months I've been more of the attitude, "Whatever, I'm taking a nap.  See you later."  Every.  Day.

I started noticing that if I didn't get to the nap soon enough, I would struggle to stay awake in the middle of conversations with people, usually by 2pm.  Sooner if I got up earlier than "normal" or had been around more people than usual.  And if I didn't get a nap, I basically went through the adult version of what happens to a two-year-old if they don't get a nap.  "Come on Dina... you can smile at people, listen, and engage in conversation.  You don't need to throw things at people."  Okay, I never, normally, wanted to actually throw things at people.  I did struggle to not check out, however, and be adequately social and stuff (technical term).  I just literally could not make it past 2pm without a nap, or without adverse effects due to a lack of a nap.  What. On. Earth.

Even in Brazil, with no schedule, sleeping in, taking everything easy.... and every day, afternoon nap.  After nearly 2 weeks of this, I started getting concerned.  Am I just being lazy??!  Surely one cannot actually NEED this much sleep.  I started wondering if I should start forcing myself to stay awake all day.  After all, I'm not actually a two-year-old!  But then almost a week ago, something surprising happened.  I made it all the way through the day without needing to sleep, and without falling asleep.  And then another day.  And another.  I'm not lazy after all!  I just actually, really, seriously needed sleep in a way I didn't know one could need sleep.

"The Lord gives sleep to His beloved."  One of the things I'd been wanting to do in all these sleepy afternoons for the last several months was just spend some extra time with Jesus.  It usually amounted to nothing more than a few minutes of sleepy chatter and me passing out.  But honestly, I always felt like He was saying something like, "Don't worry about whatever you think you need to do to spend time with Me.  You need sleep.  You can just sleep, and I'll just be here with you."  And as I let myself take a nap instead of doing the million things I could have done -- things others may have wanted me to do, things I wanted to do or thought I should do, even things I wanted to do for Him -- I encountered the grace and kindness of God (God!), who would understand my weakness (that I haven't even understood), and say: It's okay if you're tired and can't do the things that you want to do.  You don't have to.  It's okay for you to just sleep.  Don't worry about everything else -- I have it under control.  You just sleep.

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul.
~Psalms 23:1-3a

Learning God's Language

Did you know that God still speaks?
Did you know that He wants to speak to you specifically?
He really does!! 

One of the questions we always ask is (one basic question in a few forms)... How do I hear God’s voice?  How does He speak?  How do I know it’s God?  What if it’s just me?

But I’m so confident in God’s ability to speak, and in His giving us the ability to communicate with Him, that I know if you or I ask Him a question, He will answer!  The easiest question to ask Him and hear an answer for is often along the lines of, “How do you see me?  What do you think about me? How do you feel about me?”  Whatever the first encouraging thing is that comes to mind, that’s God speaking to you.  We tend to think, “Oh, I’m just trying to make myself feel good about myself.”  But if that’s not normally what you think and what you say about yourself in your head, then there’s no reason that you would start saying that to yourself now!

Learning to hear God’s voice is like learning a new language.  It takes some practice and getting familiar with the “sound” of His voice.  When you learn another language, all the sounds seem to be muddled together at first.  It’s hard to tell where one word ends and the next begins!  But it gets easier, and there are fewer and fewer instances of misunderstanding.  Even in our first language, we sometimes hear things wrong, but that doesn’t mean we don’t understand the language and can’t communicate!  So even as we grow in hearing, recognizing, and understanding God’s voice, when we mis-hear something, it doesn’t mean we don’t know His language and can’t hear Him!

Many people think learning a language is hard.  But God created us to be able to communicate and learn language.  It’s part of our basic structure.  By the time a child is 5 years old, he or she knows his language PERFECTLY.  She may still need to learn more irregulars, but the rules she has down and is solid.  She can’t add or subtract, she might still struggle with “left” vs “right” and tying her shoes, but she can take strings of words and put them together in a way that she’d never done before and had never heard before. 

And God also created us to be able to communicate with Him and understand what He’s saying.  He wants to speak to us!  He wants to speak to you!  He wants to speak to me!  In so many ways, on so many topics, He wants to speak.  He wants to have a conversation.  We just need to stop, start to listen, and practice hearing and recognizing His voice.

Having a Place - Habits and Stability

I’m learning how I’m a creature of habit.  I create habits that are generally helpful in life, to my health, to me spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically.  Sometimes the habits are so second nature that you don’t even realize they’re there!  Simple habits of making breakfast – even what you eat for breakfast – cooking in general, cleaning, going to work, reading before bed, playing music in the house, where you put your keys…

But when you’re outside of the environment where you created your habits, it’s easy for the habits to get lost in the midst of the new environment.  And when the environment changed every couple of months (which has been my experience over the last year and a half), it makes it very difficult to reform any habits.  Where do you even start?

Habits contribute to stability (whether good or bad), but if you’re essentially always on the road or somehow on the move, how do you create that stability?  The Lord has given me the grace to connect with Him and find comfort and stability in Him, but He provides in so many ways, and I’ve recently felt the need to have physical stability, reform some habits, and feel “normal” again – He is even in those things.

A few months ago, a friend of mine had a picture of a cultivated garden where I could come for rest and refreshment so that I could then go out to others to tend to their needs and bring refreshment to them.  But for myself, always needing to go back to my own “garden” and place of refreshment.  The pictures seems to speak to two things: the more obvious secret place with the Lord and connecting with Him, receiving from Him.  But I’ve also always wanted a home, that physically beautiful, comfortable, warm, inviting place that’s refreshing and restful, and from there to go out, meeting with people and caring for them – and then being able to come back to my safe, refreshing place.

I didn’t even realize I so valued a bit of structure, order, stability, and habits until they were gone!  And I do think having a physical place that’s comfortable, beautiful, warm, inviting, in order, organized, etc can be a basis for that.  It’s just a general sigh of relief.  Sometimes I feel like I’m my own paradox – I enjoy travel and I enjoy NOT traveling and being home.  If I would have known that before, I probably would have kept my duvet, duvet cover, decorative pillows, all my bedding, more of my art and pictures, and a couple other things too!  They weren’t quite as frivolous as I assumed them to be. 

But now I have a room that’s meeting needs for a nice, comfortable place.  So now on to recreating habits that I had before - cooking, eating healthy (hello fruits and veggies!), getting up early, time with Jesus, exercise, reading before bed, having a place for my keys (I have keys!).    

It’s made me think of the transient and houseless – situations even more unstable than mine.  How do they cope?  They may need a sense of stability more than they realize.  Ultimately that stability is from God, but He may use us to help give stability in ways that are much simpler than we realize – like simply being there every week at a certain place and time.  A small example of God’s consistency and expression of the stability He wants to give.  We may have the opportunity to be that expression for a season in someone’s life.

After Father's House and Going to Moz

It's been a whirlwind of activity here -- preparing for our outreach across southern Africa to Mozambique, the building project on our new housing continues, and the farm and winery has a big event this weekend, after finishing the 3rd Father's House Discipleship school a month ago! I've spent some time doing the building work on the house.  I've spent some time doing wrap-up work after the school.  I've spent some time catching up on super-hero movies (like Avengers 2).  I've been getting some extra sleep.  I've helped the family on our team by watching there children while they had their 4th child.  And I've spent time connecting with the family as well as other people I've met in town over the last couple of months.  I've been pondering the difference between unwinding and resting.  And sometimes you need to unwind before you rest!

The event this weekend, a wine tasting event for all the wineries in the area, has turned into an opportunity to share about God's work in our lives as the visitors wonder, Why are people from Canada, the US, and Germany here helping with wine tasting and working in the coffee shop??  Many people have enjoyed conversation with the unexpected mix of foreigners in South Africa, helping at a small farm and winery shop outside of Robertson, South Africa. 

I'm mostly packed for Mozambique.  Everyone going on the trip has gathered.  Most of the food for the travel has been purchased.  The adventure will begin on Monday!  :D

School's In Session!

 We're just finishing week four of the Father's House discipleship school, and it's been an amazing few weeks!  I'm not sure how to summarize the school so far.  It's another amazing group of students, small and intimate, so much hunger for Jesus -- I feel blessed to be a part!  I've lead the outreach to Avian Park, a township in a neighboring city.  It's actually YWAM who leads the evening: Monday, Wednesday and Friday they go to the township, sing songs and have a lesson for the children, then give everyone a hot meal.  There are a few adults who've also started attending, so we also make sure to spend time talking and praying with them.  I've met one couple, Jackie and Jacqueline, and have really enjoyed getting to know them!  Jacqueline is someone I want to just spend time with.  I pray for her, then she prays for me! 

Avian Park/YWAM Outreach -- the kids get dessert too.  Yum!

Last Monday we were able to visit the Deaf community and spend time in the old age home.  We played games together and communicated the best we could.  One woman showed us a picture of her son at his wedding.  She said they have no contact, and she doesn't even know how many children her son has.  She gave all of us a hug when we left -- and this was from a conversation that lasted no more than 5 minutes!  The residents were recently asked what they hope for in 2015, and almost all of them said, More visitors!  I'm so thankful that God used us to start answering their prayers.

Playing Bingo with the residents at the Old Age home for the Deaf.

God is doing His work, as He always does, in all of us.  A couple nights ago I sat in the "upper room" with two of the students, and one played the guitar and helped the other put chords to the song she had written.  As he played and she sang the song (which was clearly from her heart and God-breathed!), I just felt such pride and love and just completely amazed at seeing how God is speaking to her and the giftings He has put in her.  It was a special moment for me.  Yesterday for Good Friday, we spent some extra time considering Jesus's sacrifice for us and the salvation, life, freedom, and abundant blessings He's given us because of the cross!  We then celebrated Him and celebrated being a family by enjoying a big meal: salad, chicken tortilla soup, and shephard's pie (without the lentils), then finished the evening with milk tart for dessert and a move (The Gospel of John).

A couple crazy staff members, and a couple crazy students.

The Lord continues to stretch me as I learn to be a leader in these schools, learn to play the guitar/sing/be part of a worship team, and teach.  Yes, I'm learning to play the guitar!  Again!  Finally!  I have a 12 string guitar which sounds AMAZING, and I'm getting much better at playing smoothly.  I do pretty well with G, C, D, and Em.  I'm hoping to add Am and a couple other chords to my arsenal of chords.  Yet another blessing from this school: many guitar players and musicians to practice with!

Getting Settled in Africa! Sort of.

After spending most of 2014 in various countries in southern Africa, I’m getting permanently settled into South Africa.  I spent about 4 months here last year, so it feels a little like coming home and makes getting settled much easier!  Almost everyone here, I’ve known for almost a year, and even lived with two of them during the Father’s House school, so we know each other very well!  After sharing houses and homes and rooms with over 80 people in 2014, it’s a welcomed treat to be with people I know, and have known for so “long”!  And to…wait for it… have a room to myself, that’s “mine”.  The room is so big that I made a prayer corner. 

But I’ll soon have to say good-bye to that room for a couple reasons.  One, the Father’s House 3 school is starting March 9^th!  I’ll be moving back up to the school house on the 6^th or 7^th and be there until the end of April.  The other reason is, the owners of the house I’ve been living in want it back, so we need to move everything out by the end of March.  We’re working on building a new home for the 3 of us gals who live in that house.  I’m actually very excited!