I once asked a pastor why grace wasn't talked about more in that
particular church. He replied that they didn't want to talk about grace
too much, lest people take advantage of it and "abuse" it.
So instead of talking about grace, they talked about getting involved,
serving, money and tithing, missions, evangelism, discipleship,
intercession, quiet times, reading your Bible, fasting, getting rid of
sin, making no excuses. There's nothing particularly wrong with any of
those things, but without grace (something Paul spends an entire book
talking about in Galatians), all these good things end up being no
different than the prayer, fasting, tithing, teaching/training, serving,
sacrifice that the Pharisees were so skilled at doing.
The argument for keeping grace "hush hush" has been around since the
first apostles. Paul addressed the idea of a sin free-for-all because
of grace -- essentially, that this attitude doesn't align with someone
who has died with Christ -- died to self -- and now lives again in Him,
in His resurrection. We're dead to sin but alive to Christ. (Romans
5-7)
So why still avoid talking about grace? Do we want to prevent people
from taking advantage of God, as if God can't take care of Himself? We
feel the need to prevent people from committing this "heinous crime"?
If someone's heart is prone to taking advantage of God's kindness,
they'll find some way to do it regardless.
But the ramifications of carefully keeping grace tucked into the corner
are disastrous. I crochet fairly often. I always do it in one piece.
Even if I change the color of yarn, I try to tie the new color to the
end of the old. But once the product is finished, if down the road
someone works out one end, the whole thing can come undone if you pull
at it long enough.
The foundation of Christian life is the same way. If something like
grace can be worked out and pulled on, everything can unravel. If
Christian duty and Christian acts are discussed, but Christian status
(under God's grace) is never discussed, the Christian begins to believe
that duty is required to stay in good standing with God -- what else is
there? Grace hasn't been heard of since salvation, and you know all
that "cross-grace-salvation" stuff -- that's behind you and now you're
moving forward in service, ministry, and generally being an all-round
amazing Christian. You were saved, you learned, and now you "know
better". It's good works, or nothing.
So then, as we get on the treadmill of "being a good Christian", our
eyes are turned from faith in God and His promises of love, acceptance,
and identity to faith in ourselves and expectation of good performance.
Grace has been unraveled, and now it's taking faith with it.
And after awhile, we've been disappointed in ourselves, and maybe others
have been disappointed in us too, just one too many times. We knew
better, but we still struggled in that one area. We know what good
Christians are supposed to do, but we still only spent time with the
Lord 5 days in the week instead of 7. We're just not good enough. And
then hope begins to unravel. We want to serve God, to love Him, to
"bear fruit" for Him, to do good things for Him, but we keep falling
short. We lose the hope of being pleasing and close to God as hope is
the last thing to unravel.
We end up separated from grace, turned away from faith in God, and lost
our hope. And this is a very, very big deal -- for God grace through
Jesus shed blood on the cross and our faith in Him is the only way to
Him, not only on the day of salvation, but every single day after that.
How do we know if we've been separated from grace?
"You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace." Galatians 5:4
Is there anything that we can't let go of? Can we miss church Sunday
morning and still feel secure in Jesus? Do we feel nervous at the
thought of not sharing the plan of salvation? (Not to be confused with a
heart-desire to just talk about Jesus, who He is, and what He has done
-- loving to talk about it.) Are we keeping track of how many times we
had a quiet time, and how long? Or how many times we asked to pray with
people? If the thought of skipping something makes us nervous,
like Peter felt nervous when God suggested he eat "unclean" food and go
to a Gentile's house, we need to go deeper into grace. Grace allows
our faith in God to freely express itself in love, not work out of a sense of duty and obligation.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
What's It Worth
When I went to camp in high school, one year we had a speaker who used a $5 bill as an example in one of his messages. He took out the $5 bill and said that no matter what you did to it, it would still be worth $5. He punched it, yelled at it, called it names, told it that it was worthless, screamed out it. He said you could abuse it. He even rip it in half, but it was still worth $5. It has value intrinsically in just being a $5. He said that our value is the same thing -- no matter what, the value God has placed in us as a creation in His image doesn't change.
I suppose the analogy could be taken a bit further if talking about a brick of gold. Even if it were to be thrown into a fire, it may melt, but liquid gold is as valuable as solid gold. In fact, it may even become more valuable, as every impurity can float to the top to be removed. But for some reason, all we ever seem to see is the dross and forget that the gold is still gold, and it's value and worth hasn't been diminished at all.
I suppose the analogy could be taken a bit further if talking about a brick of gold. Even if it were to be thrown into a fire, it may melt, but liquid gold is as valuable as solid gold. In fact, it may even become more valuable, as every impurity can float to the top to be removed. But for some reason, all we ever seem to see is the dross and forget that the gold is still gold, and it's value and worth hasn't been diminished at all.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
To The Last Drop
I was once in a church service with started off with a skit which showed a "discipleship" meeting between a "discipler" (the one doing the discipling) and a "disciplee" (the one being discipled). It went something like this:
Discipler: So how did you do this week with that thing we talked about last time?
Disciplee: Oh man, I blew it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to do it, but I keep falling back into it.
Discipler: We talked about this last week. You really need to stop doing it.
Disciplee: I know! But man, you don't know the week I've had and what happened this week.
Discipler: I don't care. Stop making excuses and just stop doing it!
Disciplee: But I've had a really awful week!
Discipler: Look man, until you take responsibility and just cut it out, I don't know if there's a reason for us to continue to meet.
The disciplee left dejected, and the discipler shook his head and said a prayer that the other guy would get his act together.
I (and others) thought the message would be about grace and heart issues and that life isn't as easy as just, "stop sinning" and that the "discipler" was out of line and not treating the one who was struggling with love, compassion, and grace. But the message was nearly the opposite. The discipler was justified, and the disciplee really did need to just stop making excuses, power through, and stop sinning. We were shocked. Even horrified. How far removed from what Paul says in relation to this struggle with sin.
I had talked with one of the pastors a couple years earlier and asked why grace was never talked about. I was told that they didn't want to spend much time talking about grace so that no one would take advantage of it and think they could do whatever they want.
But that meant that no one received God's grace, had grace for others, or had grace for themselves. They didn't think they could do whatever they wanted -- they thought they had to do whatever any leader told them. It fostered feelings of failure, inadequacy, pride, inferiority, shame, fear, even self-hatred and loathing... and on and on. The consequences of not talking about grace are grave -- they rip at the heart and soul, rob us of hope, and keep us from the Lord.
Paul begins nearly every letter with "grace and peace to you", and Peter and John each start a letter with the same greeting and extension of grace. Paul also says, "I do not set aside [avoid talking about] the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law ['just stop sinning!'], Christ died for nothing!" (Galatians 2)
Putting aside grace out of fear that someone might take advantage of it will prevent people from doing so, but it will remove the meaning and power of the cross and death of Christ in their lives. "By His wounds we are healed", but without receiving His grace, the healing power of His wounds cannot be applied to our lives and He was whipped and beaten for nothing. Jesus's blood was shed to cleanse our sins, but if we don't receive and live in God's grace and try to be righteous by our own efforts ("no excuses -- stop sinning!"), we say that we don't need the blood that He shed -- thanks Jesus, but all that was really unnecessary. I got the sin thing handled now -- "stop" button activated.
I once had this amazing glass of wine. Truly the single best wine I've ever had. Amazing flavor, smooth, creamy, perfect balance of tannins and sweetness. I didn't want a drop of that to go to waste -- it was just so good. The blood of Jesus is far more valuable than that. Why should I let one drop go to waste because I think, even in one little area, that I can be "good enough" or "follow the rules" and forget about God's grace? I need His grace, and I need every drop applied to my life -- I don't want to let even one drop "go to waste".
Discipler: So how did you do this week with that thing we talked about last time?
Disciplee: Oh man, I blew it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to do it, but I keep falling back into it.
Discipler: We talked about this last week. You really need to stop doing it.
Disciplee: I know! But man, you don't know the week I've had and what happened this week.
Discipler: I don't care. Stop making excuses and just stop doing it!
Disciplee: But I've had a really awful week!
Discipler: Look man, until you take responsibility and just cut it out, I don't know if there's a reason for us to continue to meet.
The disciplee left dejected, and the discipler shook his head and said a prayer that the other guy would get his act together.
I (and others) thought the message would be about grace and heart issues and that life isn't as easy as just, "stop sinning" and that the "discipler" was out of line and not treating the one who was struggling with love, compassion, and grace. But the message was nearly the opposite. The discipler was justified, and the disciplee really did need to just stop making excuses, power through, and stop sinning. We were shocked. Even horrified. How far removed from what Paul says in relation to this struggle with sin.
15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do... 18...For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! - Romans 7:15-25
I had talked with one of the pastors a couple years earlier and asked why grace was never talked about. I was told that they didn't want to spend much time talking about grace so that no one would take advantage of it and think they could do whatever they want.
But that meant that no one received God's grace, had grace for others, or had grace for themselves. They didn't think they could do whatever they wanted -- they thought they had to do whatever any leader told them. It fostered feelings of failure, inadequacy, pride, inferiority, shame, fear, even self-hatred and loathing... and on and on. The consequences of not talking about grace are grave -- they rip at the heart and soul, rob us of hope, and keep us from the Lord.
Paul begins nearly every letter with "grace and peace to you", and Peter and John each start a letter with the same greeting and extension of grace. Paul also says, "I do not set aside [avoid talking about] the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law ['just stop sinning!'], Christ died for nothing!" (Galatians 2)
Putting aside grace out of fear that someone might take advantage of it will prevent people from doing so, but it will remove the meaning and power of the cross and death of Christ in their lives. "By His wounds we are healed", but without receiving His grace, the healing power of His wounds cannot be applied to our lives and He was whipped and beaten for nothing. Jesus's blood was shed to cleanse our sins, but if we don't receive and live in God's grace and try to be righteous by our own efforts ("no excuses -- stop sinning!"), we say that we don't need the blood that He shed -- thanks Jesus, but all that was really unnecessary. I got the sin thing handled now -- "stop" button activated.
I once had this amazing glass of wine. Truly the single best wine I've ever had. Amazing flavor, smooth, creamy, perfect balance of tannins and sweetness. I didn't want a drop of that to go to waste -- it was just so good. The blood of Jesus is far more valuable than that. Why should I let one drop go to waste because I think, even in one little area, that I can be "good enough" or "follow the rules" and forget about God's grace? I need His grace, and I need every drop applied to my life -- I don't want to let even one drop "go to waste".
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Verse Abuse
It's been around for centuries. Sometimes it's unintentional or not
having a full understanding. Other times it's with full understanding
-- like when Satan used Scripture to try to manipulate Jesus. And he's
still using Scripture to manipulate us today. I know he's tried to (and
sometime succeeded in) use verses against me and convince me of
something that isn't true. Or take a general Biblical concept and twist
it to mean more or less than God actually intends. Like the idea of
God being able to meet all your needs turning into, "Get all you need
from God," which, by extension, means you don't need people and can live without them.
Sometimes people speak verses to us when they don't apply -- it doesn't fit the context of our current life situation or is somehow misapplied. I've seen this with the Proverbs 11 verse that says, "those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed." Sounds pretty good. There's certainly a measure of truth to that. But I've heard this stated to small group leaders when they were tired -- people who were already giving of their time and energy trying to "refresh" or meet the needs of others. If God isn't in our service of others, and particularly if He's actually saying, "REST," going out and working hard to serve more and better will not bring refreshment. I'm pretty sure it will do the opposite, in fact.
And then the oft used line, "God will never give you more than you can handle." The incorrect application of this verse was actually mentioned in church last week, again this week, and a coworker just mentioned it concerning the various circumstances in her life. This idea is from a verse in 1 Corinthians 10, and has transformed a bit from the verse in the Bible, dropping the concept of being tempted and replacing it with a general idea of life dealings. The verse actually reads, "He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear," and the preceding sentences are addressing temptation. The verse really has nothing to do with cars breaking down, family members being sick or in the hospital, dealing with cancer, finances, job loss, stress. It's about temptation. And even then, it's not, "God won't let you be tempted more than you can handle -- you got this!" The rest of the verse says, "He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." The way of handling it? Knowing God's exit plan.
As for dealing with life events... I'm just gonna be real. Life is more than you can handle. Well, it's at least more than *I* can handle. This was the verse brought up today: "We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life." It goes on to say that it's only God who could deliver them, they will continue to put their hope and trust in God to continually deliver them (WHAT?! We're not just delivered once and for all and may need to be rescued again??!), as people continue to pray for their deliverance. Sounds like we can't handle life without God and a small army of praying saints.
I thought I was supposed to be able to handle moving, but I couldn't handle moving to Michigan on my own. I needed help moving. I needed to hear from family and friends. I needed time to adjust. I needed new friends. I probably needed to go home more. And I probably needed to be visited more. I may have needed more prayer. I certainly needed more wisdom and insight. And needed to fall head-long into the hope of Jesus delivering me. Again.
Sometimes people speak verses to us when they don't apply -- it doesn't fit the context of our current life situation or is somehow misapplied. I've seen this with the Proverbs 11 verse that says, "those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed." Sounds pretty good. There's certainly a measure of truth to that. But I've heard this stated to small group leaders when they were tired -- people who were already giving of their time and energy trying to "refresh" or meet the needs of others. If God isn't in our service of others, and particularly if He's actually saying, "REST," going out and working hard to serve more and better will not bring refreshment. I'm pretty sure it will do the opposite, in fact.
And then the oft used line, "God will never give you more than you can handle." The incorrect application of this verse was actually mentioned in church last week, again this week, and a coworker just mentioned it concerning the various circumstances in her life. This idea is from a verse in 1 Corinthians 10, and has transformed a bit from the verse in the Bible, dropping the concept of being tempted and replacing it with a general idea of life dealings. The verse actually reads, "He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear," and the preceding sentences are addressing temptation. The verse really has nothing to do with cars breaking down, family members being sick or in the hospital, dealing with cancer, finances, job loss, stress. It's about temptation. And even then, it's not, "God won't let you be tempted more than you can handle -- you got this!" The rest of the verse says, "He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." The way of handling it? Knowing God's exit plan.
As for dealing with life events... I'm just gonna be real. Life is more than you can handle. Well, it's at least more than *I* can handle. This was the verse brought up today: "We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life." It goes on to say that it's only God who could deliver them, they will continue to put their hope and trust in God to continually deliver them (WHAT?! We're not just delivered once and for all and may need to be rescued again??!), as people continue to pray for their deliverance. Sounds like we can't handle life without God and a small army of praying saints.
I thought I was supposed to be able to handle moving, but I couldn't handle moving to Michigan on my own. I needed help moving. I needed to hear from family and friends. I needed time to adjust. I needed new friends. I probably needed to go home more. And I probably needed to be visited more. I may have needed more prayer. I certainly needed more wisdom and insight. And needed to fall head-long into the hope of Jesus delivering me. Again.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
A Tale of Two Cities
I honestly don't remember what that tale is about, which is fine, because this tale has nothing to do with that one.
When I lived in Omaha (this isn't one of the "Two Cities", just fyi), I remember people would leave for a year and come back and comment on how they just couldn't find another place like our group. Now, places and churches are as unique as people, and just like no two people are alike, no two churches or cities are going to be alike. And while that probably contributed, this seemed to be a little bit more than that. And of course no place is perfect, and I know my Omaha group wasn't either, but I've always been very thankful for that community and felt like the Lord gave me a lot in and through them.
When I moved to Michigan (where the First of Two Cities is located), I remember looking for a church and realizing I was looking for 5 things: good teaching/preaching, good worship, "community", Spirit-filled, and I think the 5th was outreach. I could NOT find anything that had all five. Most were removed from the idea of being filled with the Spirit and gifts of the Spirit. The places that were "Spirit filled" were crazy. Worship was often, "Let's sing a couple songs", or, "Let's sit back and listen to a couple songs." Teaching and community were hit or miss, and outreach was largely non-existent.
Let me pause and define "community", because I find this word is heavily used and has become a case of, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Community is mutual support and encouragement of each other, seeing and encouraging individual giftings, wanting the best for each other. It is not making everyone focused on the same cause so that everyone gets along because they're all the same and all doing the same thing (this particular model could also be called "Communism".)
Anyway, eventually I decided that I'd have to pick two things out of the 5 I was looking for in a church -- which two did I want most? Definitely not the kind where you go up to someone after church, asking for prayer, and they say, "Yeah, sure, I'll pray for you. Gotta go," and pray for you later. Or where the pastor thinks that saying, "What you said today really hit a chord," simply giving him a pat on the back.
In the interim, I was unaccustomed to God being a Sunday thing, and not giving Him much thought during the rest of the week. I wasn't used to forced community and attacking people who were perceived to be a threat. To caring about doing things right, rather than caring about a person's heart. There wasn't necessarily anything outright "bad" -- I was just used to Christians who actively sought the Lord, and encouraged others regularly. I was used to addressing matters of the heart, not matters of the head. I had a few people say they'd never met another Christian like me, and I only found it to be heart-breaking. Why had they never felt heard or cared about before? I struggled in seeking the Lord, and every relational struggle, I felt was the Lord "grounding" me and "not letting me play with the other kids," because, while I wanted to seek Him, I wasn't.
I did end up making a couple good friends, and the people I met at the end of my time there were great -- the church met my top two picks (worship and caring for each other). I was happy and satisfied, but I still wanted more.
When I moved to Texas (the Second of the Two Cities), I really just wanted some TLC. I figured, if I just had a couple months of TLC, I'd be good to go. I was happy and felt "solid", but I was tired. My heart was broken for the beaten and broken Christians I saw. I'd felt unable to properly encourage and express God's love for the people around me so they'd know how valuable they were. I felt like I'd failed. But instead of TLC, it was really just a case of "out of the frying pan and into the frier." Texas doesn't do TLC. They produce results. In Michigan, I saw how others weren't valued or went unseen, suffering under the weight of failing to meet whatever standard or expectations. In Texas, I experienced it first hand. In Michigan I felt like I failed. In Texas, in many subtle ways, they said I failed -- "if only you would do more with evangelism and discipleship. If only I knew how important it was. If only you'd give more -- those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed!" I arrived thinking the main thing I had to offer was loving people and caring about them, and that was important. After a few years, I thought thought that was all I had, but it was worthless -- it didn't produce immediate, great results.
I actually think I forgot many my Michigan experiences, because the Texas experiences were so intense. I didn't realize that I'd always thought that my entire Michigan experience was a failure. But looking back, I don't think that's actually the case. There may have been better choices that I could have made, but not matter what was going on, my desire to seek the Lord and care for people was always, always there.
When I lived in Omaha (this isn't one of the "Two Cities", just fyi), I remember people would leave for a year and come back and comment on how they just couldn't find another place like our group. Now, places and churches are as unique as people, and just like no two people are alike, no two churches or cities are going to be alike. And while that probably contributed, this seemed to be a little bit more than that. And of course no place is perfect, and I know my Omaha group wasn't either, but I've always been very thankful for that community and felt like the Lord gave me a lot in and through them.
When I moved to Michigan (where the First of Two Cities is located), I remember looking for a church and realizing I was looking for 5 things: good teaching/preaching, good worship, "community", Spirit-filled, and I think the 5th was outreach. I could NOT find anything that had all five. Most were removed from the idea of being filled with the Spirit and gifts of the Spirit. The places that were "Spirit filled" were crazy. Worship was often, "Let's sing a couple songs", or, "Let's sit back and listen to a couple songs." Teaching and community were hit or miss, and outreach was largely non-existent.
Let me pause and define "community", because I find this word is heavily used and has become a case of, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Community is mutual support and encouragement of each other, seeing and encouraging individual giftings, wanting the best for each other. It is not making everyone focused on the same cause so that everyone gets along because they're all the same and all doing the same thing (this particular model could also be called "Communism".)
Anyway, eventually I decided that I'd have to pick two things out of the 5 I was looking for in a church -- which two did I want most? Definitely not the kind where you go up to someone after church, asking for prayer, and they say, "Yeah, sure, I'll pray for you. Gotta go," and pray for you later. Or where the pastor thinks that saying, "What you said today really hit a chord," simply giving him a pat on the back.
In the interim, I was unaccustomed to God being a Sunday thing, and not giving Him much thought during the rest of the week. I wasn't used to forced community and attacking people who were perceived to be a threat. To caring about doing things right, rather than caring about a person's heart. There wasn't necessarily anything outright "bad" -- I was just used to Christians who actively sought the Lord, and encouraged others regularly. I was used to addressing matters of the heart, not matters of the head. I had a few people say they'd never met another Christian like me, and I only found it to be heart-breaking. Why had they never felt heard or cared about before? I struggled in seeking the Lord, and every relational struggle, I felt was the Lord "grounding" me and "not letting me play with the other kids," because, while I wanted to seek Him, I wasn't.
I did end up making a couple good friends, and the people I met at the end of my time there were great -- the church met my top two picks (worship and caring for each other). I was happy and satisfied, but I still wanted more.
When I moved to Texas (the Second of the Two Cities), I really just wanted some TLC. I figured, if I just had a couple months of TLC, I'd be good to go. I was happy and felt "solid", but I was tired. My heart was broken for the beaten and broken Christians I saw. I'd felt unable to properly encourage and express God's love for the people around me so they'd know how valuable they were. I felt like I'd failed. But instead of TLC, it was really just a case of "out of the frying pan and into the frier." Texas doesn't do TLC. They produce results. In Michigan, I saw how others weren't valued or went unseen, suffering under the weight of failing to meet whatever standard or expectations. In Texas, I experienced it first hand. In Michigan I felt like I failed. In Texas, in many subtle ways, they said I failed -- "if only you would do more with evangelism and discipleship. If only I knew how important it was. If only you'd give more -- those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed!" I arrived thinking the main thing I had to offer was loving people and caring about them, and that was important. After a few years, I thought thought that was all I had, but it was worthless -- it didn't produce immediate, great results.
I actually think I forgot many my Michigan experiences, because the Texas experiences were so intense. I didn't realize that I'd always thought that my entire Michigan experience was a failure. But looking back, I don't think that's actually the case. There may have been better choices that I could have made, but not matter what was going on, my desire to seek the Lord and care for people was always, always there.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Broken Family
There are certain things that a family is "supposed" to be. Family, it seems, is supposed to support, encourage, see the best, see what no one else can see, always love and accept -- it's where you always belong. And the family of God should excel in this.
But.... we don't. And it seems like it can be one of the hardest things to reconcile within ourselves. Or maybe it's just me? I'd always seen the believers around me as part of my family. Even in difficult situations, I could believe that "the Jesus in them" was still for me and in Heaven everything would be set right and we'd enjoy relationship as one, big, happy family.
Until... well... Texas. It just seemed like acceptance had to be earned. The things most seen in the lives of others were the things that needed to be changed (that were "wrong" or "needs improvement") rather than potential that needed to be given wings. Position and status were to be earned and gained. Relationships were based on duty, obligation, or what you could offer me. (Side note: obviously not all, but this was the general environment.) People were busy, so you basically had to compete for people's time.
One day, I was reading Heaven by Randy Alcorn that I'd started, hoping it would lift my spirits. When I got to the chapter on relationships in Heaven, I made a terrible discovery: I no longer believed that I would be part of that one, big happy family of God in Heaven. Everyone else would be having a good time, continuing relationships they'd had on earth. I've been separated from most of my relationships on earth by no fewer than 1600 miles (at this point). There seemed to be no reason that that separation wouldn't continue. If relationships continue, and mine are characterized by separation, that's what will continue. And what did I have to offer? It hadn't seemed liked I had what people were looking for. And, there's only so much room in people's lives for so many people. That's not really going to change -- we'll always be finite. Sure, people will wave across the room and smile, and God would somehow make me feel okay with my presence being acceptable, but not really belonging or being a part -- I'd belong to Him at least. But I couldn't help still wanting to actually be part of the whole family and wishing there was room for me. For awhile, I couldn't even bare thinking about Heaven because of the isolation I was certain I'd be facing.
I could think I'm crazy and was being overly sensitive. That I wasn't really surrounded by the weirdness, performance, busy-ness that I thought was around me.
But then, there's the time I met Gregg. Of all places, I met him online, and for some reason we started talking in IM one day. And during our conversation... I just cried. The next day we talked again... and I cried. And the next day. Three days in a row, we talked, I cried. Why? I couldn't believe someone was talking to me just for.... me. He wasn't looking to fix me, he wasn't checking on the status of my school loans, he wasn't trying to determine what I had to offer. He was just interested in... me. And he just accepted me as family. It was the beginning of me realizing that maybe something really was wrong, and it wasn't just me.
I still haven't been able to get those thorns completely out of my heart though -- that I'll still be on the outside looking in.
But.... we don't. And it seems like it can be one of the hardest things to reconcile within ourselves. Or maybe it's just me? I'd always seen the believers around me as part of my family. Even in difficult situations, I could believe that "the Jesus in them" was still for me and in Heaven everything would be set right and we'd enjoy relationship as one, big, happy family.
Until... well... Texas. It just seemed like acceptance had to be earned. The things most seen in the lives of others were the things that needed to be changed (that were "wrong" or "needs improvement") rather than potential that needed to be given wings. Position and status were to be earned and gained. Relationships were based on duty, obligation, or what you could offer me. (Side note: obviously not all, but this was the general environment.) People were busy, so you basically had to compete for people's time.
One day, I was reading Heaven by Randy Alcorn that I'd started, hoping it would lift my spirits. When I got to the chapter on relationships in Heaven, I made a terrible discovery: I no longer believed that I would be part of that one, big happy family of God in Heaven. Everyone else would be having a good time, continuing relationships they'd had on earth. I've been separated from most of my relationships on earth by no fewer than 1600 miles (at this point). There seemed to be no reason that that separation wouldn't continue. If relationships continue, and mine are characterized by separation, that's what will continue. And what did I have to offer? It hadn't seemed liked I had what people were looking for. And, there's only so much room in people's lives for so many people. That's not really going to change -- we'll always be finite. Sure, people will wave across the room and smile, and God would somehow make me feel okay with my presence being acceptable, but not really belonging or being a part -- I'd belong to Him at least. But I couldn't help still wanting to actually be part of the whole family and wishing there was room for me. For awhile, I couldn't even bare thinking about Heaven because of the isolation I was certain I'd be facing.
I could think I'm crazy and was being overly sensitive. That I wasn't really surrounded by the weirdness, performance, busy-ness that I thought was around me.
But then, there's the time I met Gregg. Of all places, I met him online, and for some reason we started talking in IM one day. And during our conversation... I just cried. The next day we talked again... and I cried. And the next day. Three days in a row, we talked, I cried. Why? I couldn't believe someone was talking to me just for.... me. He wasn't looking to fix me, he wasn't checking on the status of my school loans, he wasn't trying to determine what I had to offer. He was just interested in... me. And he just accepted me as family. It was the beginning of me realizing that maybe something really was wrong, and it wasn't just me.
I still haven't been able to get those thorns completely out of my heart though -- that I'll still be on the outside looking in.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Busy
So being a linguist, I've started noticing things I never notice before. Like if I hear a crazy, random sentence, I'll think, "That sentence has never before been uttered throughout the history of mankind."
But, this is not the case with the sentence, "I'm busy." Most children probably hear it before they're old enough to say it. The sentence is either said (or implied) often.
I first noticed the "I'm busy" in Texas. Everyone was so.... busy. It's not that people weren't busy in Omaha and Michigan. They were. They just didn't... make a show of it (for lack of better explanation). The whole structure of my church in Texas was built to address "I'm busy". You get involved in a life group (LG) so you can talk to your life group leader instead of the pastor because, hey, the pastor busy. And yeah, he is busy. It is logical. There was even an intermediary layer between the LG leaders and any of the pastors. But you should still only go to your LG leader, and your LG leader would determine if something you're dealing with should be brought up the chain, and they'll probably ask the person "above" them first. However, if you showed that you could "do the stuff" the church wanted (evangelism, discipleship, were just general "leadership" material), then he or other leaders would probably have time for you.
An example of this was with my friends we'll can Brian and Peggy. Most people, if they wanted to talk to the senior pastor, they'd have to wait a good two weeks. But Peggy "did the stuff" and was leadership material -- outgoing, out spoken, and just really done a lot of stuff. She knew she could get in to see the pastor within 2 days. But her husband who was a little more quiet (but complete effective at gathering men together... quietly) would have to wait the standard 2+ weeks.
It was all perfectly logical. I even had a dream to drive all this home -- that people are busy, I need to know my place, and stay in it. In the dream, I was at my youth pastor's house in Omaha while other people were there. But someone decided that I made myself too comfortable. They pointed out that if everyone made themselves comfortable, the pastor and his wife would be totally overrun with people, and they only had room in their lives for about 12 people, and nothing personal, but I just wasn't one of them. You know, they're busy. But the implication was that they would have room for me if I were just "better" or "more".
Sometimes "I'm busy" is just an excuse. We're not busy. Maybe we're overwhelmed, maybe we're depressed, or maybe we're just being lazy. But not necessarily busy. Of course, sometimes we really ARE busy. Working full time, being in grad school, going through a volunteer training course on Tuesdays and Thursdays this month plus other volunteer stuff... Yeah, I'm busy. So how do I organize my time so that I'm not too busy for what's REALLY important: people?
I must confess, the time in Texas around the busy-people rubbed off on me. I used to not mind interruptions when working, but now I'm more irritable. "Can't you see I'm BUSY?!" I hate feeling that way.
I remember often saying, "I'm busy," right after I graduated college. Every time I said it, I knew it was a lie. That's right -- a lie. I wasn't busy. I was depressed. College was over. Friends moved away. I started a new job. I had been around only singles within a few years of my age, now I'm working with married people who are at least 10 years older than me, married, with children. But in our busy culture, "I'm busy," is the perfect excuse to get off the hook without actually saying anything... real.
The woman who mentored me in Omaha, she was (and is) busy, but she never made me feel like she was busy. She found ways to include people into daily life -- she'd have me over every week while she cleaned the house.
Being busy is a big value statement. Of course there's validity to times when we really are busy, but how do we communicate those times while still communicating people are valuable? I know in Texas, the messages was I'm too busy... for you. Or, you're not worth my time. But people do have worth -- and there needs to be a place of affirming a person's worth while being reasonable about the limited number of hours we have in a day.
But, this is not the case with the sentence, "I'm busy." Most children probably hear it before they're old enough to say it. The sentence is either said (or implied) often.
I first noticed the "I'm busy" in Texas. Everyone was so.... busy. It's not that people weren't busy in Omaha and Michigan. They were. They just didn't... make a show of it (for lack of better explanation). The whole structure of my church in Texas was built to address "I'm busy". You get involved in a life group (LG) so you can talk to your life group leader instead of the pastor because, hey, the pastor busy. And yeah, he is busy. It is logical. There was even an intermediary layer between the LG leaders and any of the pastors. But you should still only go to your LG leader, and your LG leader would determine if something you're dealing with should be brought up the chain, and they'll probably ask the person "above" them first. However, if you showed that you could "do the stuff" the church wanted (evangelism, discipleship, were just general "leadership" material), then he or other leaders would probably have time for you.
An example of this was with my friends we'll can Brian and Peggy. Most people, if they wanted to talk to the senior pastor, they'd have to wait a good two weeks. But Peggy "did the stuff" and was leadership material -- outgoing, out spoken, and just really done a lot of stuff. She knew she could get in to see the pastor within 2 days. But her husband who was a little more quiet (but complete effective at gathering men together... quietly) would have to wait the standard 2+ weeks.
It was all perfectly logical. I even had a dream to drive all this home -- that people are busy, I need to know my place, and stay in it. In the dream, I was at my youth pastor's house in Omaha while other people were there. But someone decided that I made myself too comfortable. They pointed out that if everyone made themselves comfortable, the pastor and his wife would be totally overrun with people, and they only had room in their lives for about 12 people, and nothing personal, but I just wasn't one of them. You know, they're busy. But the implication was that they would have room for me if I were just "better" or "more".
Sometimes "I'm busy" is just an excuse. We're not busy. Maybe we're overwhelmed, maybe we're depressed, or maybe we're just being lazy. But not necessarily busy. Of course, sometimes we really ARE busy. Working full time, being in grad school, going through a volunteer training course on Tuesdays and Thursdays this month plus other volunteer stuff... Yeah, I'm busy. So how do I organize my time so that I'm not too busy for what's REALLY important: people?
I must confess, the time in Texas around the busy-people rubbed off on me. I used to not mind interruptions when working, but now I'm more irritable. "Can't you see I'm BUSY?!" I hate feeling that way.
I remember often saying, "I'm busy," right after I graduated college. Every time I said it, I knew it was a lie. That's right -- a lie. I wasn't busy. I was depressed. College was over. Friends moved away. I started a new job. I had been around only singles within a few years of my age, now I'm working with married people who are at least 10 years older than me, married, with children. But in our busy culture, "I'm busy," is the perfect excuse to get off the hook without actually saying anything... real.
The woman who mentored me in Omaha, she was (and is) busy, but she never made me feel like she was busy. She found ways to include people into daily life -- she'd have me over every week while she cleaned the house.
Being busy is a big value statement. Of course there's validity to times when we really are busy, but how do we communicate those times while still communicating people are valuable? I know in Texas, the messages was I'm too busy... for you. Or, you're not worth my time. But people do have worth -- and there needs to be a place of affirming a person's worth while being reasonable about the limited number of hours we have in a day.
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