There are certain things that a family is "supposed" to be. Family, it seems, is supposed to support, encourage, see the best, see what no one else can see, always love and accept -- it's where you always belong. And the family of God should excel in this.
But.... we don't. And it seems like it can be one of the hardest things to reconcile within ourselves. Or maybe it's just me? I'd always seen the believers around me as part of my family. Even in difficult situations, I could believe that "the Jesus in them" was still for me and in Heaven everything would be set right and we'd enjoy relationship as one, big, happy family.
Until... well... Texas. It just seemed like acceptance had to be earned. The things most seen in the lives of others were the things that needed to be changed (that were "wrong" or "needs improvement") rather than potential that needed to be given wings. Position and status were to be earned and gained. Relationships were based on duty, obligation, or what you could offer me. (Side note: obviously not all, but this was the general environment.) People were busy, so you basically had to compete for people's time.
One day, I was reading Heaven by Randy Alcorn that I'd started, hoping it would lift my spirits. When I got to the chapter on relationships in Heaven, I made a terrible discovery: I no longer believed that I would be part of that one, big happy family of God in Heaven. Everyone else would be having a good time, continuing relationships they'd had on earth. I've been separated from most of my relationships on earth by no fewer than 1600 miles (at this point). There seemed to be no reason that that separation wouldn't continue. If relationships continue, and mine are characterized by separation, that's what will continue. And what did I have to offer? It hadn't seemed liked I had what people were looking for. And, there's only so much room in people's lives for so many people. That's not really going to change -- we'll always be finite. Sure, people will wave across the room and smile, and God would somehow make me feel okay with my presence being acceptable, but not really belonging or being a part -- I'd belong to Him at least. But I couldn't help still wanting to actually be part of the whole family and wishing there was room for me. For awhile, I couldn't even bare thinking about Heaven because of the isolation I was certain I'd be facing.
I could think I'm crazy and was being overly sensitive. That I wasn't really surrounded by the weirdness, performance, busy-ness that I thought was around me.
But then, there's the time I met Gregg. Of all places, I met him online, and for some reason we started talking in IM one day. And during our conversation... I just cried. The next day we talked again... and I cried. And the next day. Three days in a row, we talked, I cried. Why? I couldn't believe someone was talking to me just for.... me. He wasn't looking to fix me, he wasn't checking on the status of my school loans, he wasn't trying to determine what I had to offer. He was just interested in... me. And he just accepted me as family. It was the beginning of me realizing that maybe something really was wrong, and it wasn't just me.
I still haven't been able to get those thorns completely out of my heart though -- that I'll still be on the outside looking in.
You are family. You are my twin sister from a another mother. Hmm...that doesn't roll off the tongue like brother from another mother.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, you are an amazing friend who I am blessed to have.
I don't try to fix my friends, because I'm broken myself. It's God's job to fix, and He will on His time.
School loans weren't important to me. Getting to my new friend was important. Now that I consider you a close friend, your concerns are my concerns, so if you were concerned about something like your school loans, I would pray for you and would listen / advise / what was needed, but only if you needed me to.
Anyone looking for friendship by what they can offer does not value said friendship. You have chosen to offer me the gift of your friendship, your trust, your prayers and your support and I value that more than words can express and I pray that I offer the same back to you.
:) Love ya, sis.